K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
