The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
