Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
ttyl tear gas
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
