Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
