My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
