Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
