Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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