the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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