I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
