I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
