Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
