did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
