You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
being pregnant is like rehab
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
