while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
