Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
