listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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