So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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