she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
