I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
