i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
