my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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