Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
