i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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