I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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