so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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