He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
