wanna go halves on a baby?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
