Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
