This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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