Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Reggie can tackle my bush.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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