She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
