I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
