first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
