I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
