I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
