I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
