i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
