I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
