She announced her abortion via fbk
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
