it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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