well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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