I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Bang-toberfest begins!!
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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