I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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