Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
