forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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