i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
