Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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