I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
