how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
