Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
