Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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