Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
