his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
