I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
