We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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