Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
