how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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