Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
