have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
did you just send me my own nude
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
