My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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