I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
