I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
