I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
