I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Say something about gay babies.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
