I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
